~acetylsalicylate

My body is still trembling. I can't believe how i lost my writing abilities!

Today i woke up at 3:30am, i dont know exactly why, but i can't sleep again anyway so i just turned on the pc. I checked my mail, friendster, livej, multiply and even browsed through s10 and s7, but I can't seem to find anything else to do until the sun rises. Fortunately i remembered that i still have this blog, only i turned it to private because i wasn't posting anything. In the past month i actually considered deleting this blog, but as I read through all of my past entries, I just can't click delete. I can't believe that I am amazed at how i wrote the past few years. I'm not that bad after all, so why the hell(oops) did I stopped clicking my hands into the keyboard to write things with sense?

Fear. Yeah, that's what it was.

I can't exactly say what I am afraid of, but one thing's sure. This past year, something happened that made my mind froze and made me not speak or write what I think about,especially in the internet. I still can't remember what the event was, but I'm sure it is significant in my time line. Now that I think about it, I can't believe I now describe myself as an introvert, looking at my highschool photos and reminiscing how loud I am.

I made friends at school, that was a sure thing, because I am smart and quiet, and they saw me with nobody so they all came to me. I did not bother looking for friends because the system is like this anyway, you only get to see your blockmates once, and I am staying for just a year. But it was inevitable, I may want to be alone but I do not want to shove anybody either, so I guess being with other people is not a bad idea after all. I do need lab partners and report groupmates. It would not be nice if I can't participate for the sole reason that I didn't make friends. They all appear as 'persons' to me, I treat them normally as a friend would do, but I do not feel anything about it, unlike my real friends. This idea is foreign to me, since I've known myself-I can't hide what I really feel. Time flies and all was well, everything is smooth and sailing. But nobody seems to bring out the real me, I go home everyday thinking that this person is not me. Maybe this is one of the reasons I can't treat any of them as a real friend. I do not know if it was 'them', or perhaps it is just me. I did not want them to enter my life, or bother showing myself to them. I became too quiet. It looks that I have lost my sense of conversation, when I'm with someone I still think about what to talk about, and I actually thought about it as if it was a test question. Hey, it is like, doing physics and math tests all day is easier than to spend time with someone. what?

Now I know what I fear. Criticisms.

Hell with that. Since when did I become afraid of other people's opinions? Since when did I thought about if what I was saying is right, right for the moment and the people involved? Perhaps I put too much feelings in the things I wrote in the past, that I loved the words and ideas with my heart and soul, as if they were my friends. That's why if they are criticized oh-so badly, I can't help but be afraid to write things anymore. It's my fault, I've been so stupid.

I naturally hated conflicts and arguments, but I know when is the right time for it. (my guy best friend argues with me a lot, about things both important and not) But something happened in the past that unfortunately, I became enraged with arguing so much that I do not want to do it even if it is right. The best way not to do is to remain quiet, and bury all of the ideas into your mind. In time, I became what I just described in the 5th paragraph.

But now it is over, and it is time to start again. Look, I've written an entry already. I'll just change my blog's skin, edit the links and I'm done for the day. Wait, the sun is just rising! I am planning to write my first Tezufuji fic for this day.^^

~acetylsalicylate